Where it belongs

This past week, I felt great.

I felt like I had been eating right and fueling my body. Staying active and enjoying some good after-school runs. Kicking some a$$ in my second week in the classroom.

I was feeling good. And, I was looking good. Not only did I love my cute teacher-clothes, my body was looking great in the mirror. A far too unfamiliar feeling for me.

But, on Thursday night, I met my mom for some dinner and shopping at the outlet malls that are almost directly between my new place and my hometown. That situation couldn't be more perfect, right? Definitely one of the perks.

I found 5 new pairs of teacher pants. Five. With a total under $100. Unheard of.

Much to my surprise though, they were a size up from last pants I bought. My heart sank a little. For someone with my history, that is a hard realization to come to.

So I had gained a little weight. Ok...

For curiosity's sake, when I got home that night, I weighed myself on my bathroom scale that had been sitting unused next to my toilet since I moved.

I could not believe my eyes.

According to that scale, I had gained 6 pounds since graduation in June.

What. The. @^(%$*# !?!?!?!

Yea, way more than I expected. Yes, to some, 6 pounds doesn't seem that bad. But to me, it's failure.

Needless to say I was upset, and I went to bed that night feeling just plain awful.

But, when I woke up in the morning, I caught my near-naked reflection in the mirror, and stopped. I looked damn good. My stomach is showing some muscle definition. I have a little booty back again (something I lost at my lower weight). I hadn't had a head rush in months. I can easily make it through 10 hour days in a swealtering classroom followed by a 3 mile run without being exhausted.

I looked healthy. I felt healthy. And, even though I know I still have a ways to go, I can say that I am healthy. Leaps and bounds from my lowest points.

So, I put my scale where it belongs. Under the sink, behind the trashcan, under the extra toilet paper.

Sure, there may be times when I need it, but I do NOT need its ugly little face taunting and tempting me every morning.

Going of the way I have been feeling... I'm look hot! No shame. I'm proud of this body, and I'm sticking with that momentum.

Here's to freedom from that number and to feeling/looking good, despite whatever the number on that stupid scale!
~ Rach

need a change

Recently, I have felt like I am living in a body that isn't my own. Or, maybe, I have just become out of touch with what my body needs... again.

See, lately, I have been a carb and sugar monster. Somewhat like this guy, only far less jolly.

source

Even when I am sure to get enough of the good stuff (fruit, veggies, proteins, whole grains, healthy fats, enough calories) I find myself craving, and ultimately stuffing my face with refined, processed crap any chance I get. If there's cereal and soy milk, you bet I ate 4 bowls. If there's a loaf of bread, you know I ate 3 pieces strait up. Did it taste that good? No. Could I have just eaten on serving? Sure, I could have. But, would I have been satisfied? Nope.

At my apartment, I don't really keep this stuff around, so it's not as much of a problem. But, when I'm not at my place, like this weekend when I was babysitting in a house full of all that stuff, I seem to have no control.

I get mad and frustrated with myself, I obsess, and I beat myself up. Just like I did before.

However, I am not the weak girl I was before. I have learned what my body needs, and I made a decision:

Here's where it stops. I can't get back into this self-defeating pattern. Time to do some reflecting and listening to my body. It's trying to tell me something, and I need to stop trying to discount that.

I came to a conclusion. I am craving carbs and sugar because my body is missing something. I have been feeling like this a lot recently. Like the meals that used to be so satisfying and would keep me full for hours just aren't cutting it anymore. I have been ending every meal feeling like I need something else, and recently, that something has been overly processed crap. I should be able to be in a room with a bag of pita chips without feeling like I need to eat half of it.

I am a lot more active than I used to be. Working out has become part of my daily routine in a way that it never was before. I love combining cardio with strength workouts. My day doesn't feel complete with out a good sweat sesh. And, maybe, my body needs more.

In the past, I would have just immediately outlawed the stuff I have been snacking on. Just told myself "no more". But this isn't the past, and rather than going with my instinct to cut things out of my diet, I have been thinking about what I should add in. It's a terrifying thought for me, but I know that I need to do something different. 

I miss that clean energized feeling I had when I first transitioned to a vegan diet, and I want it back.

As I reflected on the way I have been feeling lately, my mind kept coming back to one thing. Eggs. They were one of my favorite foods before I adopted a vegan diet. I can't even tell you how many Spanish tortillas I ate during my study abroad. They are filling, high in protein, chock full of healthy fat and for me, have great staying power.

So, I have decided to reintroduce eggs into my diet. However, I can only even imagine eating happy eggs from happy chickens. This means I will only eat the organic, free-range, grass-fed eggs that I spend $6 on. And only at home. I know that restaurants aren't spending the big bucks on happy eggs.

source

To be honest, I do feel like a little bit of a failure with this decision. Like I'm not sticking to my morals by adding the eggs back into my diet. But, I know that the most important thing is to listen to my body and make sure that it is getting everything it needs. I am still extremely passionate about the benefits of a vegan diet, but I am not sure the label and the strict rules are something that I need right now. I am focussing on health and well-being, and the pressure of being the "vegan girl" might just be too much right now. Maybe I'll call myself "vegan*" (with the asterisk notating that there is more to the story- check the foot notes).

My plan is to buy some eggs and test the waters. See how my energy levels compare, how my appetite feels, and see if this is the right move. It's all about figuring out what I need, and what better time than the present, right?

So, here to needed changes, and powering through them even if they might be uncomfortable.

~ Rach

Catching Up on Lessons Learned

I completely fell off the face of the earth these past few months. There was so much going on and so many things that absolutely had to get done, that nearly all of my favorite leisure-time activities fell by the wayside, including my TV must-sees, reading, and writing this blog.

And, truth be told, I'm completely OK with it.

This quarter was the craziest, most stressful, happiest, hardest, and most fun 3 months of my life. And I loved every second of it. 

The highlights include student teaching, enjoying the final weeks with best friends at the best school in the country, landing my dream job, and GRADUATING!!!

Although I would love to give a play-by-play of all the amazing things that went down this quarter, that would be exhausting, and honestly who wants to read (or write) all that. Not me. So, I'll sum things up nice and orderly for ya. I did a lot of teaching this quarter, and my students did a lot of learning. Ultimately though, I think that I was the one who learned the most. I learned big things. Big, important, grown-up things.

1) I am a teacher.
       I just am. There is nothing else in the whole world I could see myself doing. This quarter's student teaching confirmed that for me. I was busier than a bee and stressed to my limit, but everyday, I left that school feeling fulfilled and energized. I talked non-stop about my students and classes- so much so that my roommates had to give me a school-reference limit. The comments and compliments that I got from both of my cooperating instructors (whom I loved and will miss) and the fact that I was able to get my ideal job for next year, are even more confirmation that this is just what I am supposed to be doing.

Spanish 2 getting down with some flamenco!

Geometry doing some word problem review.

2) I owe my dad big time.
     This dream job I keep referring to? Yea well I can thank pops for that one. I have been hired to teach Spanish at a great school district about an hour from my parents house. It is literally my dream position, and I have Dad to thank for all of it. He pushed me to get the double Spanish/Math license, which I know is what gave me the edge over my competition. He listened to me complain in countless phone calls about all the extra stress I had because of the double major.
       After I got this job, Dad found me an amazing apartment (because I couldn't get there with student teaching) in the perfect area close-but-not-too-close to the school, did the paperwork, and is going to help me move. He is a super hero, and my best friend, and I don't know where I would be with out him.

Proud Moms and Pops at my graduation.

3) There are more important things.
     My focus this quarter was to be a kick a$$ student teacher. Most of the time I was working on or thinking about school, and for the first time in a long time, not obsessing about what I was eating, if I had worked out, and how much I weighed. My students' success in my classes was of upmost importance, and any free time I had was spent hanging out with the friends I only had limited time left with.
      I stayed organized, planned awesome lessons, kept up with grading, took some new group fitness classes for fun, went out and drank too much, indulged more than normal and didn't get enough sleep. And, you know what? I didn't die. My world didn't explode, and I really didn't gain all that much weight, and what I did gain, I didn't really care about. There wasn't time or energy to do so. I have never been happier. It seems small, but this is huge. I am hanging on to this perspective and not letting it slip away from me now that my schedule has cleared for the summer.

Last dinner at my favorite restaurant in the whole world, Casa Nueva. Beyond delicious- both the food that the house margs.

4) I am ready.
    Truth be told, I am terrified about the future. Moving to a new city by myself. Starting a new career where I have to positively impact the lives of my students. Not having the comfort of Athens and my college family that have been with me through all of the hardships over the past couple of years.

It's petrifying.

    I know now, after all the ups and downs of this year, after surprising myself with my resilience and my teaching abilities, and after seeing all of the support I have from both family and friends, that I can do this. Not only, can I do this, I will knock it out of the park. Let's go, world. Bring on those obstacles!


Here's to a great end of college, and an even better time to come!
~ Rach

Back to Reality

Well, Senior-year Spring Break has come to a close. I have done the 10 hour car ride to Hilton Head, lived it up for 8 amazing days, and just got home after the 10 hours back to Athens. 

By some miracle, this trip went amazingly smoothly. With 10 kids, all with strong personalities, all packed into the same house, we were all able to work together, compromise, and basically keep everyone happy. It was a blast!

As with all group trips, there were some minor bumps in the road, but we moved past them. It ended up being a fantastic time, and I am so happy to say that I have grown closer to some already great friends!

Cue the recap! We'll start with the highlights:

Maj-oh beach time!

I'm not generally a beach lover (too much mess for me), but I really enjoyed hanging out with all my friends. I got some good tan time, and I even braved the water... for a few minutes.

 Great Food!

Among other places, we went to the Salty Dog Cafe where I had the best meal of the trip. I'll do an entirely food-dedicated post later.

Hunger Games!

The four of us who had read the books went to the midnight showing. I'm not going to lie, I didn't love the movie, but it was a great time.

Along with the highlights, there are always low points. 

For me personally, it wasn't even about the little bouts of drama that came up. I can easily let that stuff roll off my shoulders and get over it. My biggest struggle was the lack of control I felt the whole week. I was out of my normal environment and schedule, eating differently than I like to, and not exercising. I tried really hard to not let my disordered thoughts take over too much. I wanted to really enjoy this trip since I knew it would be one of the last times all of my friends would have the opportunity to do this together.

But, the disordered thoughts were there to rear their ugly heads. There were definitely times where I was disappointed in myself for my lack of self-control and all of the over indulgence. Believe me, there was a lot of indulgence. From food to booze. My confidence in my bathing suit was on a steady decline throughout the whole trip, and this morning when I woke up, I hated the way I looked in the mirror. I definitely gained a few lbs this week. I know it's not just in my head this time because my jean shorts don't really fit me after this week, and with the bloating and digestive issues I have been dealing with all day, my body is obviously unhappy with me.

I also know that just one week of being back on my regular work out schedule, staying away from the alcohol, and eating clean, I'll be back to where I was. I am trying to focus on that, and not think about punishing myself for this week of craziness.

It's incredibly hard, though. I really am disappointed in myself for allowing myself to do all of this (I know I shouldn't be, but I just can't really seem to help that.). At the same time, too, I am envious of my girlfriends who seem to be able to eat whatever, run around in their bikinis, drink anything, and not stay up at night panicking about the damage they don't feel that they are doing to their bodies. 

There is always a silver lining, or a rainbow after a storm (a good omen, as my crazy host mom would say). This is an opportunity to learn from myself. Learn how to bounce back after this and get back to feeling my best- without punishing myself with over-restriction. That is the goal this week as I begin my adventure into student teaching: get back to feeling like myself again- the happy me who isn't consumed with regret for my consumption.

Here's to moving on in a healthy way.
~ Rach

Winter Quarter Goals: The importance of self-reflection

Every quarter (my college is on the quarter system rather than semester, I set goals for myself. I write them in my old-school, pen-and-paper journal, and I refer back to them to keep myself motivated throughout the quarter. Before I get into my self-over-analyzation, let's see how they turned out:

1. Get and Stay < 115 

 Yep, that's a weight goal. One that I didn't need. I am proud to say it was crossed off the list at the waaaay beginning of the quarter and forgotten. I haven't weighed myself in over 2 months, and I'm loving the freedom from the numbers.

2. Work out at least 3xs a week

Success. This one was in an effort to develop and workout routine that I could really keep up. I have done this and then some, and I have to say, I feel awesome. I can tell I'm getting stronger!

3. 4.0 GPA

Haha, yea right. Abstract Algebra has ruined this one for me. But, I'm still trying to get as high as possible for the quarter.

4. Write a new song and work on getting better at guitar.

 Sorry to say, this one fell by the wayside. But, I made a new friend who also plays, and we vowed to "jam" together next quarter.

5. Spend Money more responsibly

Yea, that's still a work in progress. I just love grocery shopping!

6. SKIP

If you can read my handwriting about, you can figure that one out for yourself

7. Continue building important relationships

Done and done. I am closer with my core group of friends than ever before, and we are all heading to HHI for Spring Break next week. This one will, obviously, continue indefinitely in the future.

******

I think personal reflection is really important. In the last 7-or-so months that my world has turned upside down, and I have begun the process of figuring out who I am and what I like about myself, the time I spent thinking about myself has sky rocketed. I know, I sound like am uber-conceited person right now, but what I have come to realize is that self-reflection is crucial. For me, it keeps me grounded and focused on what is truly important - something I have always seriously struggled with.

I have made assertions recently that I am making a conscious effort to focus on doing things and making decisions that I feel are right for me. Instead of pleasing all of the people around me first, I am considering my needs and responding to them. My tendency to do the opposite of this leads me to let myself get absorbed in others' lives rather than concentrating on making mine exactly what I want it to be. Honestly, this is one of the major reasons that my last relationship failed. I gave all of my time and effort to making him happy, and he (being the really good guy that he is) realized that this wasn't fair to me and ended things. He said that I needed to figure out how to love myself and make myself happy before I could do the same for someone else.

Although it was hard for me to see at first, he was right. Damn, that kid is smart. As I began to pull myself out of the heartbreak, I realized the work I needed to do on myself and began the whole "figuring out what I love about myself process".

To my surprise, I was overcome with feelings of guilt. I felt like I was going from being a complete giver to someone whose daily focus was on themself. It was really weighing me down, so I opened up to my amazing Dad about it. He understands me on a level that no one else does. I have always been a Daddy's girl, but as I have gotten older, we have gotten even closer. He knows just what to say to me to cheer me up or, in this case, shed some light on something that I am struggling with.

During our heart to heart (which happened in the car this weekend- that's were all the best talks happen), he inspired me with this little nugget of wisdom:

"There's a difference between being self-centered and having a centered self"

He elaborated by opening my eyes to the difference between being only concerned with my own wants/needs and taking the time to make sure my self is balanced and fulfilled.

I should never apologize for taking the time and energy to work on centering myself and making sure that I feel fulfilled in all parts of my life. I also need to learn to ask for help when I am struggling. I hate putting my anxieties and fears on the backs of my loved ones, but no one can get through everything completely on their own.

Although it's hard, I am taking the time to really make myself happy, and I have never known myself better. As much as it hurt at the time, the heartbreak and subsequent rebuilding that I experienced this year has been a blessing. When I am finally ready to let someone back in again, I will be confident in who I am. I will love myself and make myself happy, and that alone, will make them happy.

Here's to allowing what I've learned lead me on the right step towards tomorrow.

~ Rach

Switching It Up

I had a bit of a revelation this week. Well, I had a few, but one that is really worth sharing.

After a weekend of too much fun and busy productiveness, I was at the gym around 7:15 on Monday morning. I had forced my body to peel itself out of bed and make the trek to the rec center and climb up on the elliptical. I practically dragged myself through my entire not-very-satisfying workout.

Thinking more about this lethargic, weak feeling I was experiencing, I realized that I had felt like that almost every morning that I had managed to get my butt to the gym during the week before.

And, it dawned on me.

Duh, Rach. 

You are forcing yourself out of bed after several straight nights of around 6 hours of sleep, making your body exert itself, sweat even, all with no fuel to get it through.

At the beginning of this quarter, this felt awesome. I loved starting my day sweating because it started me off on a healthy and productive note. But, as time has passed, I have gotten better at the workout exercise thing, and I have wanted to go harder and push myself further. My body needs more sleep and some sustenance before it will perform the way I want it to.

Again, this is a hug "duh" moment, but to someone trying to pull themselves out of disordered eating behaviors, it's one of those "light-bulb" moments when you realize that your body actually needs more than you thought in order to power you through whatever comes your way that day.

So, after patting myself on the back for acknowledging and accepting this revelation, I decided to listen to what my body was telling me and switch up my schedule. Starting Tuesday afternoon, I have been trying to get to the gym during the day/afternoon instead of the morning. Confirming my suspicions, I feel so a million times better during these workouts. I have more energy, I sweat more, I can push myself further. I get to sleep in a couple extra hours and feed myself a meal or two before I hit the gym, and my body is thanking me for it.

Although, it does mean more showers during the day and some better planning (like packing gym clothes to change into after class), it is making enough of a difference that I want to continue this schedule. This is one of the occasions that proves to me that listening to my body is really going to get me better. And I can't let it pass me by without recognizing it and responding in a way that I know will benefit me.

I'm throwing myself a little "Yay me!" party in my head for this one.

On another note, the 2 best food moments of the week happened yesterday, so I just have to share.

First, breakfast. My almost empty peanut butter jar became some scrumptious OIAJ. I think I have finally figured out how to cook and layer these so that no microwave disasters happen

The combo this time was blackberries, apples and cinnamon all in my near-empty PB jar.

Served along side a giant mug (that my roomie got me. she knows me so well) of café solo. Perfect breakfast, if you ask me.

 And then, dinner. After my afternoon workout and a hot shower, I was ready to get down on some dinner. I'm talking some serious hunger here. I needed heft, and I found it in a delicious bowl of savory oats topped with some sauteed veggies and tofu and the always-necessary srirach/tomato sauce combo.

Holy awesomely-satisfying-filling-nutritious-delicious-ness, Batman!

I was literally "oohing" and "ahhhing" over this bowl, but none of my roommates were home to share my excitement with, so I probably looked pretty ridiculous praising myself for this creation. But wow, beyond good. I still don't know why I don't do this more often, but it will definitely be making a return soon.

Here's to listening to what your body truly needs, and celebrating your ability to give it just that!

- Rach

Maybe, Not so Far

*I want to preface this post by explaining that I have never been formally diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I know what I struggle with is real and not always healthy. I am trying to be as honest and candid as possible. If only to help myself sort my way though this.*

This week was just one of those weeks.

Where everything is piled up, back-to-back-to-back, and you don't even realize how busy and crazed you are until you finally reach the end, slow down, and try to catch your breath.

Everything whooshes past your ears, and you realized you are exhausted. Beat.

Needless to say, this was how I was feeling at about 4:00 on Friday. Don't get me wrong, it was a great week. I was busy and focused and overall, very productive. I worked out everyday, had 2 exams, did tons of reading, and taught a very successful lesson to my fourth graders on Friday.

So, after a low-key night on Friday, and some errand-running yesterday morning, I was ready to blow off some steam last night. My roommates and I got all dressed up and went out on the town. It was an awesome night out with all of my best friends. I was one of those nights where everyone is in a great mood, you see people you haven't seen in years, make some new friends, and probably drink too much.

Yes, definitely drank too much.

But you know what? That's ok. It was once in a while, and the fun I was having was more important than the calories I was consuming. Yay! It was awesome! I was feeling like I really had come so far to find myself forgetting about the calories. I was on top of the world.

Until...things took a turn for the worse. Duh. Duh. Duhhhhhhh (cue cheesy horror-movie music).

Long story, short, I ended up in an alcohol-induced panic attack at my best guy-friends' house because of all of the food I ate after getting there for after hours. I tried to dip out of there and sneak home unnoticed, but my friends weren't going to allow that. Alex, one of the guys (and actually an ex of mine), walked me home. He let me cry into his chest and said all the right things to help me start to calm down. It's amazing how someone so unexpected can be just what you need sometimes.

I don't even know where to begin explaining what was going through my head during that whole time. I really was freaking out about the food. I haven't done that in months, but it was an all-too-familiar emotion to fall back into. I was also embarrassed because all of my friends either witnessed or were aware that it was going on. They are my best friends, and I don't want them to not know, but I have always been so good at keeping things under wraps that it is just uncomfortable to think that I allowed it to happen so openly.

Mostly, though, I was disappointed in myself. I felt like an addict that has relapsed. Like I have been doing so well, and I know that I have come so far. After all this time, to go back to this pattern of behavior is so upsetting. Yes, I was drunk, which never helps, but I feel like I should have been stronger than that. Maybe I haven't come so far. Maybe all the progress my roommates say I have made is all for nothing because of this one episode.

I know that's crap. I know that this is a process that is going to have some ups and downs. And, yet, I can't help but beat myself up for it. I am disappointed in myself, and disheartened, again, because of how hard this all is for me.

As I think about last night, though, there are some positives that can come of this. I have to try and see the silver lining to keep my positive streak going. This is just a small road bump, rather than a brick wall.

First, the public-ness (may or may not be a word) of my break down may actually have some positive outcomes. My roommates have always been pretty keenly aware of my struggles, but my other friends who don't live with me everyday haven't known the extent. Now, they have seen more of it, and I don't feel like I have to hide so much. I am really trying to own who I am, and this is one step in that direction.

Second, this is an opportunity for me to take control and show how far I have come by reacting differently than I used to. I will not be at the gym the minute the doors open today to start working it off. I will eat well-balanced meals and not restrict calories. I will not punish myself for "mistakes" made last night. This is extremely difficult for me emotionally, but I am going to push through the discomfort and make the decisions that I know are good for my body. This is huge. This is definite progress. I am proud of myself for this one.

So, yes, maybe I haven't come quite as far as I would like to believe. Maybe I am still fragile. But, this is all the more reason to be kind and forgiving to myself. This is an opportunity for growth, and I am forcing myself to make it through. I don't really have another option. I have to put last night behind me and move on.

Here's to another day.

Respect Yourself, Accept Yourself, Forgive Yourself, Love Yourself.

~ Rach