WIFW: What I Fasted Wednesday

L'Shanah Tovah, everyone!

Today was Yom Kippur, the biggest and most important holiday on the Jewish calendar. I took a personal day, and made the journey home to celebrate with my family at my home synagogue. 

The purpose of the holiday is to reflect on the past year, repent for sins, and to ask for forgiveness and for a good new year. In addition, we are expected to fast from sundown to sundown, and concept that still makes me a bit too anxious and nervous. But, more on that later.

Today, I spent about 8 hours in services, praying and reflecting. I thought a lot about this past year and all the changes it has brought.

I made lots of mistakes.

I made lots of self-discoveries.

I had lots of sins to repent for.

And, repent I did.

The thing that I love most about Yom Kippur is ending it with a feeling of a new fresh start. An opportunity to start again, free of guilt from the mistakes of last year. A chance to do things anew. Not necessarily to do things over again, but to re-try doing things right.

As I sat there reflecting, I decided that my goal and focus for the year is going to be love. In my life, I have felt the most presence of God (or whatever you want to call a higher spiritual power) in the strong, unconditional relationships that I have experienced, witnessed, and encountered in my life.

My intent for the upcoming year is to treat every person in my life with upmost love and respect, including my family, students, and people I may meet throughout the year.

The first step, though, is starting with myself. I have felt lately like I am out of touch with myself, both physically and emotionally. When it comes down to food and exercise, everything feels out of balance. I'm either famished or bloated. No in between. I almost feel like I have forgotten how to feed myself. I have this idea in my head about what my body needs, but the way my body feels tells me it's not right anymore. I have put on some puffy weight that I am not liking. As a result, I am emotionally suffering too. I know that I am transitioning. Figuring out my new work schedule and all that. But I hate the way I feel. I hate the way my clothes are fitting. I hate the way I look right now. 

It's wearing on me.

So, starting fresh with this New Year, I am going to make a real effort to listen to what my body is telling me I need. And figure out what works for me again.

That started today. Yes, we are supposed to fast for 24 hours. But, I woke up this morning already hungry. So I ate breakfast. Then, I ate lunch. Yes, I did not keep the fast. Call me a "bad Jew" but I don't feel bad about it.

I didn't snap any pictures, but I'm sure you know what oatmeal and a salad looks like. The most important "Good Habit" that I am falling into? Listening to what my body needs and answering it.

Thanks Jenn!

So, L'Shanah Tovah! Happy New Year, and here's to a fresh, loving start!
~ Rach

Where it belongs

This past week, I felt great.

I felt like I had been eating right and fueling my body. Staying active and enjoying some good after-school runs. Kicking some a$$ in my second week in the classroom.

I was feeling good. And, I was looking good. Not only did I love my cute teacher-clothes, my body was looking great in the mirror. A far too unfamiliar feeling for me.

But, on Thursday night, I met my mom for some dinner and shopping at the outlet malls that are almost directly between my new place and my hometown. That situation couldn't be more perfect, right? Definitely one of the perks.

I found 5 new pairs of teacher pants. Five. With a total under $100. Unheard of.

Much to my surprise though, they were a size up from last pants I bought. My heart sank a little. For someone with my history, that is a hard realization to come to.

So I had gained a little weight. Ok...

For curiosity's sake, when I got home that night, I weighed myself on my bathroom scale that had been sitting unused next to my toilet since I moved.

I could not believe my eyes.

According to that scale, I had gained 6 pounds since graduation in June.

What. The. @^(%$*# !?!?!?!

Yea, way more than I expected. Yes, to some, 6 pounds doesn't seem that bad. But to me, it's failure.

Needless to say I was upset, and I went to bed that night feeling just plain awful.

But, when I woke up in the morning, I caught my near-naked reflection in the mirror, and stopped. I looked damn good. My stomach is showing some muscle definition. I have a little booty back again (something I lost at my lower weight). I hadn't had a head rush in months. I can easily make it through 10 hour days in a swealtering classroom followed by a 3 mile run without being exhausted.

I looked healthy. I felt healthy. And, even though I know I still have a ways to go, I can say that I am healthy. Leaps and bounds from my lowest points.

So, I put my scale where it belongs. Under the sink, behind the trashcan, under the extra toilet paper.

Sure, there may be times when I need it, but I do NOT need its ugly little face taunting and tempting me every morning.

Going of the way I have been feeling... I'm look hot! No shame. I'm proud of this body, and I'm sticking with that momentum.

Here's to freedom from that number and to feeling/looking good, despite whatever the number on that stupid scale!
~ Rach

Summer's Over

Well, tomorrow is the first day of school. My first, first day in the teacher's seat. How quickly this crept up on me!

I successfully completed

• 4 years of college 
• A crazy quarter of student teaching
• 5 days of straight staff meetings 
• New teacher orientation

And, tomorrow, the kiddies are going to invade, and I will be charged with their safety, security, and, oh yea, their minds. 

Holy crap!

Actually, this week, I have felt oddly calm and prepared. Mostly, I'm excited to get started!

The countdown is starting...

***********

The beginning of the school year also signals the end of the summer. So, I thought I would take this opportunity to check in with my Summer goals.

1. CURRICULUM PLAN
      Check! Didn't really have a choice on that one. SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW      
2. Run 2 miles without stopping.
      Done and done.

3. Be ready for the school year to start.
      Feeling good

4. Make 3 new local friends.
     Did it! Thanks to some introductions from some college friends.

5. Get Zumba certified.
    Did it! 

6. Fill my apartment's blank walls.

    Cross that one off the list!

That's a big 100% for me! Solid A+! I hope I can keep this ball rolling as the year starts! Update soon!

Here's to hitting the ground running!

~ Rach

need a change

Recently, I have felt like I am living in a body that isn't my own. Or, maybe, I have just become out of touch with what my body needs... again.

See, lately, I have been a carb and sugar monster. Somewhat like this guy, only far less jolly.

source

Even when I am sure to get enough of the good stuff (fruit, veggies, proteins, whole grains, healthy fats, enough calories) I find myself craving, and ultimately stuffing my face with refined, processed crap any chance I get. If there's cereal and soy milk, you bet I ate 4 bowls. If there's a loaf of bread, you know I ate 3 pieces strait up. Did it taste that good? No. Could I have just eaten on serving? Sure, I could have. But, would I have been satisfied? Nope.

At my apartment, I don't really keep this stuff around, so it's not as much of a problem. But, when I'm not at my place, like this weekend when I was babysitting in a house full of all that stuff, I seem to have no control.

I get mad and frustrated with myself, I obsess, and I beat myself up. Just like I did before.

However, I am not the weak girl I was before. I have learned what my body needs, and I made a decision:

Here's where it stops. I can't get back into this self-defeating pattern. Time to do some reflecting and listening to my body. It's trying to tell me something, and I need to stop trying to discount that.

I came to a conclusion. I am craving carbs and sugar because my body is missing something. I have been feeling like this a lot recently. Like the meals that used to be so satisfying and would keep me full for hours just aren't cutting it anymore. I have been ending every meal feeling like I need something else, and recently, that something has been overly processed crap. I should be able to be in a room with a bag of pita chips without feeling like I need to eat half of it.

I am a lot more active than I used to be. Working out has become part of my daily routine in a way that it never was before. I love combining cardio with strength workouts. My day doesn't feel complete with out a good sweat sesh. And, maybe, my body needs more.

In the past, I would have just immediately outlawed the stuff I have been snacking on. Just told myself "no more". But this isn't the past, and rather than going with my instinct to cut things out of my diet, I have been thinking about what I should add in. It's a terrifying thought for me, but I know that I need to do something different. 

I miss that clean energized feeling I had when I first transitioned to a vegan diet, and I want it back.

As I reflected on the way I have been feeling lately, my mind kept coming back to one thing. Eggs. They were one of my favorite foods before I adopted a vegan diet. I can't even tell you how many Spanish tortillas I ate during my study abroad. They are filling, high in protein, chock full of healthy fat and for me, have great staying power.

So, I have decided to reintroduce eggs into my diet. However, I can only even imagine eating happy eggs from happy chickens. This means I will only eat the organic, free-range, grass-fed eggs that I spend $6 on. And only at home. I know that restaurants aren't spending the big bucks on happy eggs.

source

To be honest, I do feel like a little bit of a failure with this decision. Like I'm not sticking to my morals by adding the eggs back into my diet. But, I know that the most important thing is to listen to my body and make sure that it is getting everything it needs. I am still extremely passionate about the benefits of a vegan diet, but I am not sure the label and the strict rules are something that I need right now. I am focussing on health and well-being, and the pressure of being the "vegan girl" might just be too much right now. Maybe I'll call myself "vegan*" (with the asterisk notating that there is more to the story- check the foot notes).

My plan is to buy some eggs and test the waters. See how my energy levels compare, how my appetite feels, and see if this is the right move. It's all about figuring out what I need, and what better time than the present, right?

So, here to needed changes, and powering through them even if they might be uncomfortable.

~ Rach

Winter Quarter Goals: The importance of self-reflection

Every quarter (my college is on the quarter system rather than semester, I set goals for myself. I write them in my old-school, pen-and-paper journal, and I refer back to them to keep myself motivated throughout the quarter. Before I get into my self-over-analyzation, let's see how they turned out:

1. Get and Stay < 115 

 Yep, that's a weight goal. One that I didn't need. I am proud to say it was crossed off the list at the waaaay beginning of the quarter and forgotten. I haven't weighed myself in over 2 months, and I'm loving the freedom from the numbers.

2. Work out at least 3xs a week

Success. This one was in an effort to develop and workout routine that I could really keep up. I have done this and then some, and I have to say, I feel awesome. I can tell I'm getting stronger!

3. 4.0 GPA

Haha, yea right. Abstract Algebra has ruined this one for me. But, I'm still trying to get as high as possible for the quarter.

4. Write a new song and work on getting better at guitar.

 Sorry to say, this one fell by the wayside. But, I made a new friend who also plays, and we vowed to "jam" together next quarter.

5. Spend Money more responsibly

Yea, that's still a work in progress. I just love grocery shopping!

6. SKIP

If you can read my handwriting about, you can figure that one out for yourself

7. Continue building important relationships

Done and done. I am closer with my core group of friends than ever before, and we are all heading to HHI for Spring Break next week. This one will, obviously, continue indefinitely in the future.

******

I think personal reflection is really important. In the last 7-or-so months that my world has turned upside down, and I have begun the process of figuring out who I am and what I like about myself, the time I spent thinking about myself has sky rocketed. I know, I sound like am uber-conceited person right now, but what I have come to realize is that self-reflection is crucial. For me, it keeps me grounded and focused on what is truly important - something I have always seriously struggled with.

I have made assertions recently that I am making a conscious effort to focus on doing things and making decisions that I feel are right for me. Instead of pleasing all of the people around me first, I am considering my needs and responding to them. My tendency to do the opposite of this leads me to let myself get absorbed in others' lives rather than concentrating on making mine exactly what I want it to be. Honestly, this is one of the major reasons that my last relationship failed. I gave all of my time and effort to making him happy, and he (being the really good guy that he is) realized that this wasn't fair to me and ended things. He said that I needed to figure out how to love myself and make myself happy before I could do the same for someone else.

Although it was hard for me to see at first, he was right. Damn, that kid is smart. As I began to pull myself out of the heartbreak, I realized the work I needed to do on myself and began the whole "figuring out what I love about myself process".

To my surprise, I was overcome with feelings of guilt. I felt like I was going from being a complete giver to someone whose daily focus was on themself. It was really weighing me down, so I opened up to my amazing Dad about it. He understands me on a level that no one else does. I have always been a Daddy's girl, but as I have gotten older, we have gotten even closer. He knows just what to say to me to cheer me up or, in this case, shed some light on something that I am struggling with.

During our heart to heart (which happened in the car this weekend- that's were all the best talks happen), he inspired me with this little nugget of wisdom:

"There's a difference between being self-centered and having a centered self"

He elaborated by opening my eyes to the difference between being only concerned with my own wants/needs and taking the time to make sure my self is balanced and fulfilled.

I should never apologize for taking the time and energy to work on centering myself and making sure that I feel fulfilled in all parts of my life. I also need to learn to ask for help when I am struggling. I hate putting my anxieties and fears on the backs of my loved ones, but no one can get through everything completely on their own.

Although it's hard, I am taking the time to really make myself happy, and I have never known myself better. As much as it hurt at the time, the heartbreak and subsequent rebuilding that I experienced this year has been a blessing. When I am finally ready to let someone back in again, I will be confident in who I am. I will love myself and make myself happy, and that alone, will make them happy.

Here's to allowing what I've learned lead me on the right step towards tomorrow.

~ Rach

Girl's Night In: Keepin' it Classy

After last weekend's craziness, all I wanted and needed for this weekend was a relaxing night in with some good company. Luckily, my friend, Val was in the mood for just that.

We went to a neighboring town for a little retail therapy, and then we went to her apartment to cook  a yummy dinner and chit-chat.

 Pretty fancy for some college girls. Yea, right. Under there is some whole wheat penne, covered in sauteed broccoli, asparagus, and spinach, all drenched in tomato sauce. I think I could drink that stuff. However, I actually drank a glass of the cheapest pinot grigio we could find. Like I said, couple of college girls on a budget.

 Naturally, our classy meal was accompanied by the classiest of TV: a rerun of Jersey Shore.

 My second bowl all mixed up. Told you there was some pasta under there.

Again, the class was unmeasurable for dessert, too. Old-school double stuff Oreos. They were so delicious, and I ate way too many. Way. Too. Many. Although I had a great  night at Val' and totally enjoyed every sugary bite I took, the way I felt all night after and all day today has shown me what I already knew. Eating crap makes me feel like crap. I have been bloated, lethargic, and uncomfortable all day, and I honestly hate that feeling.

So, my goal this week is to clean up my eating. I need to get away from all of the processed food I have been snacking on, and go back to eating the foods that make my body feel the best. In no way am I trying to restrict or "diet", I just miss the way good, whole foods makes me feel.

So, here's to no regrets, and starting fresh- with food and everything else!
~ Rach

Forgiving Myself

This weekend was... well, it was something. The highest of highs, and some pretty low lows.

Let's start with the fun stuff. Friday night was my friend, Ashley's birthday, we had a Black Tie party at her favorite spot. We all got gussied up and went out for a no-holds-barred party night. It was outrageously fun, especially since we all looked so dressed up hot!

All the roommies ready to head out. Yep, that's the hot pink blazer. I might be obsessed with it. Too bad it's one of those pieces you can only wear occasionally.

After Friday night, it's needless to say that Saturday was a little rough. I mean, I totally set myself up for it, and I knew it would happen, but I was prepared for it and went easy on myself. I had no intention of going out Saturday night too, but with a little convincing from my upstairs neighbors (who have become some pretty close friends), I found myself back out on Saturday.

Another great night, followed by one of the worst days I have had in a while. I'm not even talking about how physically terrible I felt. Emotionally, it was really hard for me. See, when I'm "sick after a night out" (you know what I mean), I just want to sleep and eat every fatty-carby food in my kitchen. And, on Saturday, I did just that. So, I had a headache and was nauseous from the night before, and then I was binging and getting bloated all day long.

The afternoon and evening were spent in a cycle of binging, hating myself for it, and binging again. It was a cycle that I am all too familiar with. I felt like I had already treated by body like sh!t for the whole weekend, so I might as well keep going. I deserved it. I had undone all of the hard work I had put in during the week, so I might as well take it to the extreme. I was almost punishing myself for the weekend of excess.

The only thing that pulled me out of the cycle and got me off the couch was that I had my dance class at 7:00. I paid for it, so I was going, bloated and hungover or not. Thank goodness I did. I went to the rec center, and did a little cardio to get my muscles warm and the blood moving, and then I let myself get lost in the class. When I left, I felt better and had a better perspective on the past weekend.

Last night was one of those nights where I had to consciously forgive myself for the way I had treated my body that weekend. I had to reassure myself that I would not immediately gain 20 pounds. I had to take a deep breath and release the self-hate that was swimming around in my head and bloated belly. It's hard for me to do, but I am proud of myself for catching myself, and forcing myself out of the negative thoughts.

I have an old-school, non-electronic, journal that I write in whenever I feel like this, and I did it again last night. It's a ritual that allows to me to put into words what I am feeling, and let it go. I literally have to tell myself that I forgive myself and will use tomorrow to make better decisions and treat my body better. 

Today, I have tried really hard to do that. I did my normal workout this afternoon, and didn't force myself to do extra to help "burn off the weekend". I consciously made myself not restrict food to "undo the damage of the partying and hungover eating" even though the bloatedness lingers still. And, although this was beyond uncomfortable for me, I know and I recognize that it is all too necessary. I need to put forth a real, mindful effort to end the disordered thoughts and subsequent behaviors that have become a much to habitual part of my life. 

I guess the silver lining is that I can use this past weekend as an opportunity to do just that. Even writing these words is a step in that direction, and I can see evidence of progress I'm making. I still get disappointed in myself for the self-hating thoughts that I allowed to hang out in my head all day yesterday. It's like a day wasted or a day backwards in the process. But, today was a step back in the right direction.

Here's to forgiving myself, and staying in the positive.
~ Rach

Switching It Up

I had a bit of a revelation this week. Well, I had a few, but one that is really worth sharing.

After a weekend of too much fun and busy productiveness, I was at the gym around 7:15 on Monday morning. I had forced my body to peel itself out of bed and make the trek to the rec center and climb up on the elliptical. I practically dragged myself through my entire not-very-satisfying workout.

Thinking more about this lethargic, weak feeling I was experiencing, I realized that I had felt like that almost every morning that I had managed to get my butt to the gym during the week before.

And, it dawned on me.

Duh, Rach. 

You are forcing yourself out of bed after several straight nights of around 6 hours of sleep, making your body exert itself, sweat even, all with no fuel to get it through.

At the beginning of this quarter, this felt awesome. I loved starting my day sweating because it started me off on a healthy and productive note. But, as time has passed, I have gotten better at the workout exercise thing, and I have wanted to go harder and push myself further. My body needs more sleep and some sustenance before it will perform the way I want it to.

Again, this is a hug "duh" moment, but to someone trying to pull themselves out of disordered eating behaviors, it's one of those "light-bulb" moments when you realize that your body actually needs more than you thought in order to power you through whatever comes your way that day.

So, after patting myself on the back for acknowledging and accepting this revelation, I decided to listen to what my body was telling me and switch up my schedule. Starting Tuesday afternoon, I have been trying to get to the gym during the day/afternoon instead of the morning. Confirming my suspicions, I feel so a million times better during these workouts. I have more energy, I sweat more, I can push myself further. I get to sleep in a couple extra hours and feed myself a meal or two before I hit the gym, and my body is thanking me for it.

Although, it does mean more showers during the day and some better planning (like packing gym clothes to change into after class), it is making enough of a difference that I want to continue this schedule. This is one of the occasions that proves to me that listening to my body is really going to get me better. And I can't let it pass me by without recognizing it and responding in a way that I know will benefit me.

I'm throwing myself a little "Yay me!" party in my head for this one.

On another note, the 2 best food moments of the week happened yesterday, so I just have to share.

First, breakfast. My almost empty peanut butter jar became some scrumptious OIAJ. I think I have finally figured out how to cook and layer these so that no microwave disasters happen

The combo this time was blackberries, apples and cinnamon all in my near-empty PB jar.

Served along side a giant mug (that my roomie got me. she knows me so well) of café solo. Perfect breakfast, if you ask me.

 And then, dinner. After my afternoon workout and a hot shower, I was ready to get down on some dinner. I'm talking some serious hunger here. I needed heft, and I found it in a delicious bowl of savory oats topped with some sauteed veggies and tofu and the always-necessary srirach/tomato sauce combo.

Holy awesomely-satisfying-filling-nutritious-delicious-ness, Batman!

I was literally "oohing" and "ahhhing" over this bowl, but none of my roommates were home to share my excitement with, so I probably looked pretty ridiculous praising myself for this creation. But wow, beyond good. I still don't know why I don't do this more often, but it will definitely be making a return soon.

Here's to listening to what your body truly needs, and celebrating your ability to give it just that!

- Rach

Oatmeal in the Morning, Oatmeal in the Evening....

Happy February, Friends!!!

I hope everyone is entering the new month in good spirits! The weather was absolutely gorgeous today! Mid-60s. Sunny. Smelled like spring. Does anyone else think that the seasons smell different?

So, recently, I have been doing some maj-oh nighttime snacking. After dinner, my tummy is happy and full, but about an hour and half or so later, I become the world's largest munchie-monster. When the snack attack hits, it usually involves a spoon and a jar of peanut butter. Although, I am all about the ooey-gooey,  healthy fats of my peanut butter, I'm bummed because the jars aren't lasting as long as I would hope they would.

Also, I hate the feeling of being hungry and mindless snacking so late in the evening.

I have this theory that my dinners aren't calorie dense enough. I think I need to really make sure that I am getting all that I need earlier in the night so that I am not scavenging in the kitchen right before bed. I have hard time sleeping on a heavy stomach.

Solution: OPERATION bulk up my dinner.

Generally, dinner consists of protein (either tofu or tempeh) or a starch (brown rice, quinoa, or a sweet potato) and tons of veggies. I rarely have the protein with a starch. It's probably definitely a remnant of my disordered days. As I realized recently, they are closer than I realize. And now that I am truly committing myself to recovery, I know that this type of dinner isn't balanced or what my body needs.

Tonight, I took a step into bulking up my dinner. I decided to incorporate a whole grain, protein, and veggies into one bowl. Novel concept, I know. and I have to say, it was A.MAZ.ING. Check this out.

¡¡¡SAVORY OATS!!!

As my whole-grain base, I cooked up some of my oats with garlic salt and lots of Italian seasoning. I tried some of them right out of the microondas and holy-DELICIOSO! Like polenta, only with that nutty-oatie-yumminess.

Topped with some sauteed shrooms, cabbage, tempeh, and tomtoes. I really hat about 3xs what you see here. I wanted to attempt a pretty picture for you all. With my iPhone camera. Eh it was the best I could do.

This. was. beyond. Like so good! I loved the creaminess that the oats dded and it really did feel like a more satisfying meal. Don't worry, though. The spoon still made an appearance in the jar of peanut butter, but I didn't feel the need to eat half my jar. I'll hopefully be able to hold onto this jar a little longer. My wallet will thank me.

I think it is going to be my new February goal to make sure my dinners are hefty and well-balanced every night. This should, obviously, be a given, but when breaking out of disordered thought patterns, it isn't always so clear. How I am feeling physically right now, after a better dinner, proves that it is necessary. 

Who knows what random concoction I will come up with tomorrow, but I'm excited to experiment!

Health and Happiness,
~ Rach

Maybe, Not so Far

*I want to preface this post by explaining that I have never been formally diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I know what I struggle with is real and not always healthy. I am trying to be as honest and candid as possible. If only to help myself sort my way though this.*

This week was just one of those weeks.

Where everything is piled up, back-to-back-to-back, and you don't even realize how busy and crazed you are until you finally reach the end, slow down, and try to catch your breath.

Everything whooshes past your ears, and you realized you are exhausted. Beat.

Needless to say, this was how I was feeling at about 4:00 on Friday. Don't get me wrong, it was a great week. I was busy and focused and overall, very productive. I worked out everyday, had 2 exams, did tons of reading, and taught a very successful lesson to my fourth graders on Friday.

So, after a low-key night on Friday, and some errand-running yesterday morning, I was ready to blow off some steam last night. My roommates and I got all dressed up and went out on the town. It was an awesome night out with all of my best friends. I was one of those nights where everyone is in a great mood, you see people you haven't seen in years, make some new friends, and probably drink too much.

Yes, definitely drank too much.

But you know what? That's ok. It was once in a while, and the fun I was having was more important than the calories I was consuming. Yay! It was awesome! I was feeling like I really had come so far to find myself forgetting about the calories. I was on top of the world.

Until...things took a turn for the worse. Duh. Duh. Duhhhhhhh (cue cheesy horror-movie music).

Long story, short, I ended up in an alcohol-induced panic attack at my best guy-friends' house because of all of the food I ate after getting there for after hours. I tried to dip out of there and sneak home unnoticed, but my friends weren't going to allow that. Alex, one of the guys (and actually an ex of mine), walked me home. He let me cry into his chest and said all the right things to help me start to calm down. It's amazing how someone so unexpected can be just what you need sometimes.

I don't even know where to begin explaining what was going through my head during that whole time. I really was freaking out about the food. I haven't done that in months, but it was an all-too-familiar emotion to fall back into. I was also embarrassed because all of my friends either witnessed or were aware that it was going on. They are my best friends, and I don't want them to not know, but I have always been so good at keeping things under wraps that it is just uncomfortable to think that I allowed it to happen so openly.

Mostly, though, I was disappointed in myself. I felt like an addict that has relapsed. Like I have been doing so well, and I know that I have come so far. After all this time, to go back to this pattern of behavior is so upsetting. Yes, I was drunk, which never helps, but I feel like I should have been stronger than that. Maybe I haven't come so far. Maybe all the progress my roommates say I have made is all for nothing because of this one episode.

I know that's crap. I know that this is a process that is going to have some ups and downs. And, yet, I can't help but beat myself up for it. I am disappointed in myself, and disheartened, again, because of how hard this all is for me.

As I think about last night, though, there are some positives that can come of this. I have to try and see the silver lining to keep my positive streak going. This is just a small road bump, rather than a brick wall.

First, the public-ness (may or may not be a word) of my break down may actually have some positive outcomes. My roommates have always been pretty keenly aware of my struggles, but my other friends who don't live with me everyday haven't known the extent. Now, they have seen more of it, and I don't feel like I have to hide so much. I am really trying to own who I am, and this is one step in that direction.

Second, this is an opportunity for me to take control and show how far I have come by reacting differently than I used to. I will not be at the gym the minute the doors open today to start working it off. I will eat well-balanced meals and not restrict calories. I will not punish myself for "mistakes" made last night. This is extremely difficult for me emotionally, but I am going to push through the discomfort and make the decisions that I know are good for my body. This is huge. This is definite progress. I am proud of myself for this one.

So, yes, maybe I haven't come quite as far as I would like to believe. Maybe I am still fragile. But, this is all the more reason to be kind and forgiving to myself. This is an opportunity for growth, and I am forcing myself to make it through. I don't really have another option. I have to put last night behind me and move on.

Here's to another day.

Respect Yourself, Accept Yourself, Forgive Yourself, Love Yourself.

~ Rach

Out of the Ordinary

Last night, I did something that just a month-or-so ago, I would never have done. Whoa, now! Calm down. This is a positive thing.

Last night, I went to the first of seven Modern Dance classes that I signed up for at my school's rec center. No, this isn't the big news, although it is exciting.

I signed up for, paid for, walked to, and participated fully in this dance class completely alone. I knew the instructor, but didn't know anyone else taking it, what kind of content would be taught, or even what to wear. But, I did it anyways. And, it was awesome!

Rewind about 10 years to where this all starts. All through grade school and high school. I was a dancer. I was on a competitive dance team from age 10-18, and it was my life. Out side of high school, I danced. That was it.

Proof. This was my team during my senior year, the year that I was captain. I'm back row, left. Definitely have changed physically since then.

When I got to college, I pretty much stopped dancing except for participating in the tap dance club here on campus for a few quarters. Needless to say, I am out of practice, and starting this class last night, I wasn't sure where my skills, flexibility, stamina, or strength lied. Add onto that the fact that I had no friends in the class to fall back on or ease any awkwardness that I felt.

A month or two ago, I would say I was at the most self-conscious I have ever been in my life. Which seems pretty silly since I was thinner and more active than ever. At least for me, though, being in the middle of some serious issues with food and having recently gone through the worst heart break I could imagine, my self-confidence was the first thing to go. And, it disappeared  almost completely.

I am so happy to say that I am proud of myself for going through with this class. I stepped back into something I love whole-heartedly. Even if it was a little nerve wracking. I'll admit, I had some butterflies. But, more than that, I was excited to step out of the familiar and take a risk by trying something on my own.

This is even more evidence as to how far I have come in such a short time. It seems that little accomplishments like this are revealing themselves to me all the time, especially when I am least expecting it. I can't wait to get back into that class next Sunday. Bring it on!

Moving Forward

Last night, my roommate, Rebecca interviewed me for an upcoming post on her fantastic blog, Keep Moving Forward.

Reb and me all dolled up for a wedding last summer. Isn't she gorgeous?

She wanted to know how my big decision to transition to a vegan diet has affected my life. We had an awesome conversation about self-reflection and the process of pulling yourself out of the depths of a tough time in your life.

It made me think about and reflect on everything I have been through recently. I will discuss it in a later post when I am ready. I don't quite feel like I have the words for it right now.

What I do know - and what the convo with Reb revealed to me even more - is that I am truly beginning to accept all parts about myself. I have gone through this journey of self-realization in the past few months, and I am so proud of the woman I have become.

In the past, I have had a tendency to make decisions and, essentially, live for the happiness of the people around me. Be it family, friends, or most-likely boyfriends, their happiness always came before mine.

Well, not any more. It's time for me to step up, be an adult, and figure out how to live and create the life that I want and that I deserve. For myself. For once in my life. I am being selfish, and I am completely ok with it. No, I am ecstatic about it.

In the interview, Reb asked me if I have a mantra or phrase that I use to motivate myself or get me through rough times. She, herself, has been through some life-changing things in the past few years, and "Keep Moving Forward" is the phrase that she uses.

Maybe it was because I was just chatting with one of my besties, but I actually revealed to her the thing that I repeat to myself almost daily. After every journal entry (like a paper journal that I write in with my hands and a pen. Old fashioned, I know. But, it makes me feel better when anxiety strikes), I write these four lines, take a deep breath, and I am ready to move on. They remind me that the priority in my life is me, my health and my happiness. That I deserve to love myself before anyone else.

Respect Yourself

Accept Yourself

Forgive Yourself

Love Yourself

So, I leave you with those words. Check out Reb's blog. She is an inspiration. I'll definitely link up when she posts my interview.

Do you have any mantras or phrases that inspire or motivate you?