Let's start with the fun stuff. Friday night was my friend, Ashley's birthday, we had a Black Tie party at her favorite spot. We all got gussied up and went out for a no-holds-barred party night. It was outrageously fun, especially since we all looked so
|All the roommies ready to head out. Yep, that's the hot pink blazer. I might be obsessed with it. Too bad it's one of those pieces you can only wear occasionally.|
Another great night, followed by one of the worst days I have had in a while. I'm not even talking about how physically terrible I felt. Emotionally, it was really hard for me. See, when I'm "sick after a night out" (you know what I mean), I just want to sleep and eat every fatty-carby food in my kitchen. And, on Saturday, I did just that. So, I had a headache and was nauseous from the night before, and then I was binging and getting bloated all day long.
The afternoon and evening were spent in a cycle of binging, hating myself for it, and binging again. It was a cycle that I am all too familiar with. I felt like I had already treated by body like sh!t for the whole weekend, so I might as well keep going. I deserved it. I had undone all of the hard work I had put in during the week, so I might as well take it to the extreme. I was almost punishing myself for the weekend of excess.
The only thing that pulled me out of the cycle and got me off the couch was that I had my dance class at 7:00. I paid for it, so I was going, bloated and hungover or not. Thank goodness I did. I went to the rec center, and did a little cardio to get my muscles warm and the blood moving, and then I let myself get lost in the class. When I left, I felt better and had a better perspective on the past weekend.
Last night was one of those nights where I had to consciously forgive myself for the way I had treated my body that weekend. I had to reassure myself that I would not immediately gain 20 pounds. I had to take a deep breath and release the self-hate that was swimming around in my head and bloated belly. It's hard for me to do, but I am proud of myself for catching myself, and forcing myself out of the negative thoughts.
I have an old-school, non-electronic, journal that I write in whenever I feel like this, and I did it again last night. It's a ritual that allows to me to put into words what I am feeling, and let it go. I literally have to tell myself that I forgive myself and will use tomorrow to make better decisions and treat my body better.
Today, I have tried really hard to do that. I did my normal workout this afternoon, and didn't force myself to do extra to help "burn off the weekend". I consciously made myself not restrict food to "undo the damage of the partying and hungover eating" even though the bloatedness lingers still. And, although this was beyond uncomfortable for me, I know and I recognize that it is all too necessary. I need to put forth a real, mindful effort to end the disordered thoughts and subsequent behaviors that have become a much to habitual part of my life.
I guess the silver lining is that I can use this past weekend as an opportunity to do just that. Even writing these words is a step in that direction, and I can see evidence of progress I'm making. I still get disappointed in myself for the self-hating thoughts that I allowed to hang out in my head all day yesterday. It's like a day wasted or a day backwards in the process. But, today was a step back in the right direction.
Here's to forgiving myself, and staying in the positive.