Forgiving Myself

This weekend was... well, it was something. The highest of highs, and some pretty low lows.

Let's start with the fun stuff. Friday night was my friend, Ashley's birthday, we had a Black Tie party at her favorite spot. We all got gussied up and went out for a no-holds-barred party night. It was outrageously fun, especially since we all looked so dressed up hot!

All the roommies ready to head out. Yep, that's the hot pink blazer. I might be obsessed with it. Too bad it's one of those pieces you can only wear occasionally.

After Friday night, it's needless to say that Saturday was a little rough. I mean, I totally set myself up for it, and I knew it would happen, but I was prepared for it and went easy on myself. I had no intention of going out Saturday night too, but with a little convincing from my upstairs neighbors (who have become some pretty close friends), I found myself back out on Saturday.

Another great night, followed by one of the worst days I have had in a while. I'm not even talking about how physically terrible I felt. Emotionally, it was really hard for me. See, when I'm "sick after a night out" (you know what I mean), I just want to sleep and eat every fatty-carby food in my kitchen. And, on Saturday, I did just that. So, I had a headache and was nauseous from the night before, and then I was binging and getting bloated all day long.

The afternoon and evening were spent in a cycle of binging, hating myself for it, and binging again. It was a cycle that I am all too familiar with. I felt like I had already treated by body like sh!t for the whole weekend, so I might as well keep going. I deserved it. I had undone all of the hard work I had put in during the week, so I might as well take it to the extreme. I was almost punishing myself for the weekend of excess.

The only thing that pulled me out of the cycle and got me off the couch was that I had my dance class at 7:00. I paid for it, so I was going, bloated and hungover or not. Thank goodness I did. I went to the rec center, and did a little cardio to get my muscles warm and the blood moving, and then I let myself get lost in the class. When I left, I felt better and had a better perspective on the past weekend.

Last night was one of those nights where I had to consciously forgive myself for the way I had treated my body that weekend. I had to reassure myself that I would not immediately gain 20 pounds. I had to take a deep breath and release the self-hate that was swimming around in my head and bloated belly. It's hard for me to do, but I am proud of myself for catching myself, and forcing myself out of the negative thoughts.

I have an old-school, non-electronic, journal that I write in whenever I feel like this, and I did it again last night. It's a ritual that allows to me to put into words what I am feeling, and let it go. I literally have to tell myself that I forgive myself and will use tomorrow to make better decisions and treat my body better. 

Today, I have tried really hard to do that. I did my normal workout this afternoon, and didn't force myself to do extra to help "burn off the weekend". I consciously made myself not restrict food to "undo the damage of the partying and hungover eating" even though the bloatedness lingers still. And, although this was beyond uncomfortable for me, I know and I recognize that it is all too necessary. I need to put forth a real, mindful effort to end the disordered thoughts and subsequent behaviors that have become a much to habitual part of my life. 

I guess the silver lining is that I can use this past weekend as an opportunity to do just that. Even writing these words is a step in that direction, and I can see evidence of progress I'm making. I still get disappointed in myself for the self-hating thoughts that I allowed to hang out in my head all day yesterday. It's like a day wasted or a day backwards in the process. But, today was a step back in the right direction.

Here's to forgiving myself, and staying in the positive.
~ Rach