Saturday, August 4, 2012

need a change

Recently, I have felt like I am living in a body that isn't my own. Or, maybe, I have just become out of touch with what my body needs... again.

See, lately, I have been a carb and sugar monster. Somewhat like this guy, only far less jolly.

Even when I am sure to get enough of the good stuff (fruit, veggies, proteins, whole grains, healthy fats, enough calories) I find myself craving, and ultimately stuffing my face with refined, processed crap any chance I get. If there's cereal and soy milk, you bet I ate 4 bowls. If there's a loaf of bread, you know I ate 3 pieces strait up. Did it taste that good? No. Could I have just eaten on serving? Sure, I could have. But, would I have been satisfied? Nope.

At my apartment, I don't really keep this stuff around, so it's not as much of a problem. But, when I'm not at my place, like this weekend when I was babysitting in a house full of all that stuff, I seem to have no control.

I get mad and frustrated with myself, I obsess, and I beat myself up. Just like I did before.

However, I am not the weak girl I was before. I have learned what my body needs, and I made a decision:
Here's where it stops. I can't get back into this self-defeating pattern. Time to do some reflecting and listening to my body. It's trying to tell me something, and I need to stop trying to discount that.

I came to a conclusion. I am craving carbs and sugar because my body is missing something. I have been feeling like this a lot recently. Like the meals that used to be so satisfying and would keep me full for hours just aren't cutting it anymore. I have been ending every meal feeling like I need something else, and recently, that something has been overly processed crap. I should be able to be in a room with a bag of pita chips without feeling like I need to eat half of it.

I am a lot more active than I used to be. Working out has become part of my daily routine in a way that it never was before. I love combining cardio with strength workouts. My day doesn't feel complete with out a good sweat sesh. And, maybe, my body needs more.

In the past, I would have just immediately outlawed the stuff I have been snacking on. Just told myself "no more". But this isn't the past, and rather than going with my instinct to cut things out of my diet, I have been thinking about what I should add in. It's a terrifying thought for me, but I know that I need to do something different. 

I miss that clean energized feeling I had when I first transitioned to a vegan diet, and I want it back.

As I reflected on the way I have been feeling lately, my mind kept coming back to one thing. Eggs. They were one of my favorite foods before I adopted a vegan diet. I can't even tell you how many Spanish tortillas I ate during my study abroad. They are filling, high in protein, chock full of healthy fat and for me, have great staying power.

So, I have decided to reintroduce eggs into my diet. However, I can only even imagine eating happy eggs from happy chickens. This means I will only eat the organic, free-range, grass-fed eggs that I spend $6 on. And only at home. I know that restaurants aren't spending the big bucks on happy eggs.


To be honest, I do feel like a little bit of a failure with this decision. Like I'm not sticking to my morals by adding the eggs back into my diet. But, I know that the most important thing is to listen to my body and make sure that it is getting everything it needs. I am still extremely passionate about the benefits of a vegan diet, but I am not sure the label and the strict rules are something that I need right now. I am focussing on health and well-being, and the pressure of being the "vegan girl" might just be too much right now. Maybe I'll call myself "vegan*" (with the asterisk notating that there is more to the story- check the foot notes).

My plan is to buy some eggs and test the waters. See how my energy levels compare, how my appetite feels, and see if this is the right move. It's all about figuring out what I need, and what better time than the present, right?

So, here to needed changes, and powering through them even if they might be uncomfortable.
~ Rach

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